New Year off to a Bad Start
I recently got news that an internet friend I just met was shot and killed yesterday. He was lethally shot in the neck. I feel really bad about it and I feel like it was my fault in some way. It happened right after I met him so I HAD to do something with it.
Man, this happened to come up as soon as I felt like I was successfully lifted out of depression and it was going to stay. Now here I am, just as bad as I was before. Whenever I felt like I was starting to get better or I felt happier I immediately went back to feleing like the piece of shit I am afterwards. I’ve finally accepted that I can no longer be permanently happy in life. Happinesss is an illusion.
I feel ashamed of myself. Why the fuck do I deserve to be happy? Why was I starting to feel happy again only to find out somebody fucking died afterwards?! I don’t deserve to be happy. Happiness comes at a cost.
And I can’t afford to feel happy again.